Today, my inner warrior reared her head.
I was dropping my boyfriend off at the Brisbane International Airport. I was calm and was looking forward to 4 days to myself so I could finalise Christmas day plans. I was calm that is, until it came to the drop off…
I inadvertently pulled into an area I wasn’t supposed to stop. I had already started to merge back out of the park and was heading toward the area I needed but I was boxed in by the cars moving out in front of me and the cars now behind me. I had no choice but to wait and I was doing so when an airport security man started waving his hands at me and loudly yelling at me to move when I clearly couldn’t go anywhere. Before I could think, before I could filter and within a hair fraction of a second, my inner warrior shot daggers straight in the mans eyes and screamed in the most ferocious voice “I’M MOVING!!”.
Now “I’m moving” is definitely not the most offensive phrase, it’s also not the most derogatory or defamatory. It’s not racist or hateful, nor is it hurtful or unkind, I didn’t even swear for goodness sake. But it was the tone of my voice and the severity with which the words poured from the depths of my soul that was scary.
It was said with such force and direction that I even scared myself a little bit. Hell, I know I scared him because he didn’t so much as look at me again let alone gesture for me to move. He acted like I was no longer there. I guess that’s a good outcome right? Wrong.
The problem is, not only did I scare myself with this inner warrior of mine, but it may have shocked the crap out my boyfriend. The boyfriend of only 8 months, who I’m still trying to convince that I am an angel fallen from grace… It’s not working – He told me to calm down (I know right, why do men say this to women who are upset??) and it definitely put a dampener on the good mood we were in.
My inner warrior is no stranger to me, I’ve been trying to hold her back for years. For the most part with not much luck but over the past couple of years and I’ve been gradually wrangling that angry warrior child, stroking her hair, telling her everything is alright and asking her to take a step back. It’s not unlike hostage negotiation really. Sometimes the bomb goes off and sometimes you get lucky and cut the right wire.
Today though, she was out before I even knew she was there. She had said her part before I’d even had time to feel anything and that scared the shit out of me. Normally I have warning and I feel the emotions coming on, frustration or anger or fear but not today. Today there was just her. It was only after she’d come out that I realised I was angry with that man for shouting at me and by then I had retaliated with the childish eye for an eye mentality.
I do appreciate my inner warrior for I know that if I ever need her that she is always there and ready. I have love and a deep respect for her and would never wish her away completely, we just need to come to an understanding. She needs to learn when to draw her weapons and when her services are not required.
Sometimes I picture her quietly sitting in the corner meditating with her sickle and scythe just out of reach. This is where she needs to stay. This is where mindfulness comes into play, but that’s a blog post for another day…