I’ve got myself a good dose of the food guilts…

I think I’m suffering from “food guilt”. I don’t know why but for some reason I got onto this fast moving train headed to food neurosis. Thinking about food takes up a large portion of my day

  • Don’t eat that lolly, the sugar will kill you!
  • Forget about that salad sandwich, the gluten is out to get you!
  • Dairy is terrible and will stick to your insides like glue.
  • Step away from the steak lady! That thing will spend a week rotting inside you before you digest it!
  • That 100% natural, organic fruit juice you’re sipping? Spikes your blood sugar levels!

It seems that the internet has ruined me when it comes to information about food. It doesn’t seem to matter what you google these days, there’s something bad or wrong with everything you can consider putting in your mouth. Even the super foods all seem to have some numpty out there telling you “That’s not so good for you!” for one reason or another.

My unhealthy relationship with food started when I was around 9. My parents got divorced and I spent weekdays with Mum having lovely, “healthy” (whatever that is) home cooked meals every Monday to Thursday – My Marmie truly is a great cook. Then Friday would roll around and my brother and I would head off to Dad’s house where we would be filled up on takeaway meals, lollies, soft drink and ice cream. We ate anything we wanted really. Dad worked long hours and we would even go to work with him on the weekends – There wasn’t really time for cooking and if there was, dad spent this time passed out snoring on the couch because of his massive work week. My dad is a great guy but he has been known to tell people that he would “fill his kids up on sugar and send them home to mum” to get back at his ex-wife.

So my week with mum was spent detoxing from my weekend with dad and so the cycle continued for a bloody long time… at least 9 years until I moved out of home at 18 and away from the crazy food regimen. Then holy shit… I had to start fending for myself.

I thought I was doing really well, I was cooking almost every night, I had meals plans maybe half the time. My boyfriend (now ex) and I didn’t buy a lot of takeaway but we were still eating a lot of shitty, heavy meals (think meat filled spag bol with cheese on top) and drinking quite a bit (we were home brewing spirits so you can imagine). I then saw a photo taken of myself while renovating one day… it was fucking disgusting! I know I shouldn’t be so hard on myself but to me it was gross. I’ll probably regret it but I found the photo to add to this post, I’m sure you’ll love it. See below.

Fat Asti Mary
Fat Asti Mary varnishing the floorboards.

It was not long after seeing the photo that I began seeing a few things posted on the internet about vegans. They all looked so healthy and skinny with glowing skin! So I looked into veganism and started seeing all the cruelty to animals campaigns. Watching these on top of the wish of being skinny worked. I became a vegan. For 4 years I was as close to 100% vegan as I could get. I didn’t consume, wear or use anything that was derived in any way, shape or form from an animal (Disclaimer: yes I drove a car, yes it probably had a leather steering wheel, yes I’ve heard it all so save your breath).

Did I get skinny?? Oh man did I get skinny! I LOVED being vegan skinny! Except I had no bum, small price to pay… See pic of me rocking my vegan skinniness below – I’m a fucking dancing QUEEN in this photo! Love it!

Dancing Queen
Around 2 years after the renovation photo – A vegan Asti Mary dancing up a storm!

There was a bigger price to pay though….. My health. I wasn’t “doing” vegan properly. I wasn’t including all of the things I really needed for my body to thrive. I was living in mining camps and their idea of vegan was frozen vege, hot chips and gravy, a sanga or some pasta salad for lunch (that’s only if there wasn’t any cream in it of course), maybe some toast with jam for breaky or some fruit.

Lets get a couple of things clear here too… I’m not a fucking rabbit. I’ve never been a big salad eater. I don’t ever remember being served too much salad type stuff as a kid either and I’m not a big fruit eater. In fact, I’ve spent a large portion of my life avoiding salads, fruits and drinking lots of water (gimme coffee, coffee, coffee!). I was a skinny vegan who lived on bread, chips and gravy with the occasional bit of broccoli, corn and cauliflower hidden underneath all that brown goodness.

Yeah, I was a shit vegan. Such a shit vegan in fact that when my hormones and health fell to shit, I had numerous Naturopaths tell me that if I wasn’t going to do vegan properly then I should really reconsider my diet (at least eat an egg here or there). Anyway, an ex-boyfriend somehow got me on a weak moment and I’m still not really sure how it happened but that succulent, medium rare, rump steak jumped into my mouth and the rest is history.

I’m now back on the See-food Diet – If I see it, it goes in my mouth. But not before I tell myself something terrible about it first. It’s just something I do to myself these days and I don’t know how to cure it.

I don’t EVER put ANYTHING into my mouth without some form of guilt. And it’s not just sugary or fat stuff either, it’s the whole shebang mate! Even if I sat down and ate an entire lettuce for lunch, I will tell myself it was probably sprayed with pesticides that will give me cancer.

I must make it known here also that I completely understand that worrying about something giving me cancer is probably much more likely than that “thing” giving me cancer in the first place. But how the fuck do I get rid of this goddamn FOOD GUILT?!? Maybe I should start my own little Food Guilt community like AA? A posse of little homies just waiting to support each other and tell each other “it’s okay, those corn kernels that never seem to digest won’t actually kill you!”.

Do you suffer from food guilt? Have you suffered from food guilt in the past and have been able to move forward from it? If so, how did you do it? I’d really love to be able to sit down to a meal and actually enjoy what I’m consuming without feeling shitty about eating it.




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